Have you seen my Donut? (by DAX!)
SO alright. Its pretty much obvious that all of us here at SorryDarlin are really into Unicorns. I mean…just look at any part of the site, and I’m sure you’ll see a unicorn somewhere. Sarah has even adopted (and by that I mean created) her own unicorn inspired dialect of the English language. Featuring such gems as “Dudeicorn” and “Everypony” and lets not forget the word “Prance” which can be substituted for any phrase meaning “to move forward or back in any kind of 3-dimensional space”. So, yeah, we like unicorns here.
I’ve always loved unicorns, from the time when my fat little effeminate self first laid eyes on “My Little Pony” or She-ra’s Horse: Swift-wind. Every time I went to a school book fair, I would demand five cash dollars from my mother so that I may purchase a new Unicorn Poster. That was a must. Other boys would always get that generic looking baseball dude or the stock photo red Ferrari. Not me! I was immediately drawn towards the unicorn section—preferably something with lightning and a laser grid background in space… and lots of wind in the hair, the kind of wind you can really only get while wielding lightning bolts in space. Yeah…. well…okay I’d either get the unicorn, or something involving a pile of kittens—but that’s beside the point.
Do Unicorns howl at the moon?
The point is that unicorns are fucking awesome. Even as a pudgy 3rd grader, it was completely obvious. I mean, come on, can your stupid Ferrari run on lasers in space? I so don’t think so. However, the question I pose to you now: were unicorns always so awesome?
I call him sir Prance Alot
Talk of unicorns go as far back as the 4th century BC. Sightings and capture of the majestic creature spanned the breadth of the ancient world. They’ve been held in high regard in china, India, and all of Europe. They even have cameos in the Christian bible, the Hebrew Tanakh, and Chinese folklore. They show up in tapestries and sculpture. Descriptions among the ancient world, however, seem to vary…yet one thing is constant: Horse-like (kindof), fast, hard to catch, they really like virgins, they’re strong, sometimes pretty, and could easily be confused for a rhinoceros or perhaps a narwhal. They’ve shown up in bestiaries since bestiaries were a thing. They’ve always been prized for the magic in their horn, which has been said to cure all disease and detect poison, as well as being able to purify water. For such reasons, they have always been desired by kings, anyone who wants power, or anyone just trying not to catch the black death.
Unicorns are said to be mortal enemies with Lions and Elephants and will only appear to those female virgins who are pure of heart. Apparently, the only way to catch a unicorn is as follows….
A place perhaps to rest.
Okay…so, ya take a girl. Who is also a virgin and not a complete bitch… you go into the woods and you have her sit down. Any old place is fine, right? THEN you wait…. EVETUALLY a unicorn will just randomly stroll by and be all “Golly I’m a tired unicorn! OH LOOK! She has a lap! Perhaps I will lay my head down as to rest my eyes for just a moment. Though while I do! I sure hope no one stabs me in the ribs with a spear!”
NEVER trust a naked Virgin.
And boom! You got your unicorn!
So then…is that how the world re-discovered unicorns? I don’t know if you recall, but there was a bleak time in the 1990s where unicorns essentially disappeared. There was no more “my little pony” there was no She-Ra, there was no “Last Unicorn”. The sightings of unicorns became limited to the dealer’s alley at dragon*con. Some 4’9” amputee in a peasant top and jingly chainmail belt would stand proudly beside her 4×5 foot painting she worked so hard on in AP art class last year and announce “Yes, I still believe”.
Unicorns were forced back into the forest of imagination; only to occasionally peek out into obscure pop culture. It wasn’t safe for them, being a nerd wasn’t cool yet and the unicorn knew it. Gone were the times when kings would employ a shady epothecurian to grind their alicorn into a fine powder or have it fashioned into the one safe drinking goblet. (btw “alicorn” is the chemical element that unicorn horns are comprised of , this was usually just a goat’s horn or that of a narwhale *the more you know). The only people who loved unicorns were fat nerds at book fares, hoping that no one noticed that you DIDN’T buy the Ferrari. So, what happened? Oh wait..i think I remember…
Die hipster scum.
HIPSTERS. I can safely assume that the only positive impact that hipsters had on our modern society is the reintroduction of the unicorn into every day life. They may be snobbish and elitist and using the word “ironic” wrong, but they did save the unicorn from extinction. Now you can’t go into a store without finding at least five unicorns…and if you can, I suggest you shop elsewhere. Granted, the unicorns you find most places are meant to be hilarious and “ironic” but they’re still unicorns. They still possess the magic and mystery that attracted early cryptozoologists to them in the first place. They still make kings sleep safely at night and they still stupidly trust virgins sitting in a clearing at night alone in the woods. They’re still unicorns and therefore they’re still AWESOME.
-DAX!
for more information: find me at the bar, get me a drink and i’ll gladly talk your ear off about unicorns!
