1 Comment

Stuff That Girls Like (That I Like Too!): Unicorns!!!

Have you seen my Donut? (by DAX!)

SO alright. Its pretty much obvious that all of us here at SorryDarlin are really into Unicorns. I mean…just look at any part of the site, and I’m sure you’ll see a unicorn somewhere. Sarah has even adopted (and by that I mean created) her own unicorn inspired dialect of the English language. Featuring such gems as “Dudeicorn” and “Everypony” and lets not forget the word “Prance” which can be substituted for any phrase meaning “to move forward or back in any kind of 3-dimensional space”. So, yeah, we like unicorns here.

I’ve always loved unicorns, from the time when my fat little effeminate self first laid eyes on “My Little Pony” or She-ra’s Horse: Swift-wind. Every time I went to a school book fair, I would demand five cash dollars from my mother so that I may purchase a new Unicorn Poster. That was a must. Other boys would always get that generic looking baseball dude or the stock photo red Ferrari. Not me! I was immediately drawn towards the unicorn section—preferably something with lightning and a laser grid background in space… and lots of wind in the hair, the kind of wind you can really only get while wielding lightning bolts in space. Yeah…. well…okay I’d either get the unicorn, or something involving a pile of kittens—but that’s beside the point.

Do Unicorns howl at the moon?

The point is that unicorns are fucking awesome. Even as a pudgy 3rd grader, it was completely obvious. I mean, come on, can your stupid Ferrari run on lasers in space? I so don’t think so. However, the question I pose to you now: were unicorns always so awesome?

I call him sir Prance Alot

Talk of unicorns go as far back as the 4th century BC. Sightings and capture of the majestic creature spanned the breadth of the ancient world. They’ve been held in high regard in china, India, and all of Europe. They even have cameos in the Christian bible, the Hebrew Tanakh, and Chinese folklore. They show up in tapestries and sculpture. Descriptions among the ancient world, however, seem to vary…yet one thing is constant: Horse-like (kindof), fast, hard to catch, they really like virgins, they’re strong, sometimes pretty, and could easily be confused for a rhinoceros or perhaps a narwhal. They’ve shown up in bestiaries since bestiaries were a thing. They’ve always been prized for the magic in their horn, which has been said to cure all disease and detect poison, as well as being able to purify water. For such reasons, they have always been desired by kings, anyone who wants power, or anyone just trying not to catch the black death.

Unicorns are said to be mortal enemies with Lions and Elephants and will only appear to those female virgins who are pure of heart. Apparently, the only way to catch a unicorn is as follows….

A place perhaps to rest.

Okay…so, ya take a girl. Who is also a virgin and not a complete bitch… you go into the woods and you have her sit down. Any old place is fine, right? THEN you wait…. EVETUALLY a unicorn will just randomly stroll by and be all “Golly I’m a tired unicorn! OH LOOK! She has a lap! Perhaps I will lay my head down as to rest my eyes for just a moment. Though while I do! I sure hope no one stabs me in the ribs with a spear!”

NEVER trust a naked Virgin.

And boom! You got your unicorn!

So then…is that how the world re-discovered unicorns? I don’t know if you recall, but there was a bleak time in the 1990s where unicorns essentially disappeared. There was no more “my little pony” there was no She-Ra, there was no “Last Unicorn”. The sightings of unicorns became limited to the dealer’s alley at dragon*con. Some 4’9” amputee in a peasant top and jingly chainmail belt would stand proudly beside her 4×5 foot painting she worked so hard on in AP art class last year and announce “Yes, I still believe”.

Unicorns were forced back into the forest of imagination; only to occasionally peek out into obscure pop culture. It wasn’t safe for them, being a nerd wasn’t cool yet and the unicorn knew it. Gone were the times when kings would employ a shady epothecurian to grind their alicorn into a fine powder or have it fashioned into the one safe drinking goblet. (btw “alicorn” is the chemical element that unicorn horns are comprised of , this was usually just a goat’s horn or that of a narwhale *the more you know). The only people who loved unicorns were fat nerds at book fares, hoping that no one noticed that you DIDN’T buy the Ferrari. So, what happened? Oh wait..i think I remember…

Die hipster scum.

 HIPSTERS. I can safely assume that the only positive impact that hipsters had on our modern society is the reintroduction of the unicorn into every day life. They may be snobbish and elitist and using the word “ironic” wrong, but they did save the unicorn from extinction. Now you can’t go into a store without finding at least five unicorns…and if you can, I suggest you shop elsewhere. Granted, the unicorns you find most places are meant to be hilarious and “ironic” but they’re still unicorns. They still possess the magic and mystery that attracted early cryptozoologists to them in the first place. They still make kings sleep safely at night and they still stupidly trust virgins sitting in a clearing at night alone in the woods. They’re still unicorns and therefore they’re still AWESOME.

-DAX!

for more information: find me at the bar, get me a drink and i’ll gladly talk your ear off about unicorns!


2 Comments

Stuff That Girls Like (That I Like Too!): Herrooow Kitty!

SO, alright when Sarah approached me months ago to start writing a column for Sorry Darlin, I was like: “well I’d love to, but what the hell would I write about?” Thoughts flutter through my brain fairly frequently, but nothing seemed like a thing I could talk about on any kind of regular occasion.

Then I stole a page from the “Sarah-Minch Handbook” and realized…I’ll just write about stuff that I like! Or stuff that I’m randomly interested in at the moment. Of course, whatever I write has to have some purpose to it—or better yet some PORPOSE (hah..dolphins)—so I figured I could throw in a little bit of history—or HER-Story (HAH…I’m done now). Which I will do until the time as such when I have come to be bored about doing as thus.

All over the interwebs as of late, pictures of the absurdly awesome “Hello Kitty House” have been reappearing over and over. Loungefly has a whole line of adorably chic Hello Kitty embossed purses and luggage. There was that amazing M.A.C line (which sadly was produced during the height of a recession so the color deposit value of the collection was slightly less than sub-par) that had really adorable packaging and an “Alice in Wonderland” themed commercial. Theeen there was that kind of tragic Forever 21 collection that made everyone feel a bit too much like a pre-teen (not in the good way).

Hello Kitty M.A.C Line (And yes, i bought all of it)

I often wonder if people really know that much about our apple-headed feline friend? Or if they just recognize it as “ADORABLE” and buy it accordingly? Either way, I know for me, I always prefer Kitty when she’s on a black background or making that ambiguous angry face (which can’t be easy for someone with no legitimate facial features).

The Best of Both Worlds: the aptly named "Punk" Hello Kitty

Though, I guess everyone has their own version that they love the most…and that’s what makes good branding.

Hello Kitty was originally designed in 1974 for a company called “Sanrio” by an artist named Yuko Shimizu. Hello Kitty was intended to be a featured illustration on a vinyl coin purse to be marketed to young girls. Depicted wearing what one can only assume are blue overalls, a striped shirt, and a pink bow; she followed the typical design guidelines set fourth by all anime characters before her (and there after) of having a relatively blank, expressionless, face that the viewer can interpret as they see fit. Therefore, making the character instantly relatable to anyone who views her. Since then, not much about the character has changed…except maybe her color scheme on occasion. She really has never DONE anything. Hello Kitty has always been a relatively stationary figure more than a beloved children’s cartoon character. I mean yeah there have been animated versions of her, but those didn’t even start until the first “Hello Kitty’s Furry Tale Theater” in 1987—more than an entire decade after her initial conception.

The Original Hello Kitty

Really, Hello Kitty is a logo. She is a stamp with a bow on it that girls (and gay men) tend to be drawn toward. I’m totally no different! Hell, you give me anything pink with a cat on it and I’m pretty much sold—Though, in the grand scheme of more respectable cartoon cats like…. Oh I dunno… Garfield, Felix, Heathcliff, Sylvester, Furball, Fritz, Tom; the entire cast of “the Aristocats”, “Gay Purree”, and “Cats Don’t Dance”—Hello kitty kind of falls flat in comparison. But I guess she’s supposed to right?

Even still she’s got stores, a plane, a house, high end fine jewelry, video games, a toaster, a waffle iron, a vibrator, a shot gun, and probably a tattoo on your slutty cousin’s tramp stamp region with her face on it. All achieved primarily by remaining motionless throughout time. So then…What makes her so special? What makes her so timeless?

OH I know. Its cuz she’s ADORABLE.

ADORABLE!

So ladies and lady-boys take note: you can get your own EVERYTHING if you’re cute enough and only speak when spoken to.

…wait…what?

-DAX!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 27 other followers